Hola readers! I have returned, alive (barely), from Acapulco with many a tale to tell. However, I have to say that after 7 ridiculous and unforgettable (excluding blacking out... obviously) days and nights in our neighbor to the South, I have absolutely no idea how this country is, in fact, a country.

Putting aside the tequila poppers, "mas fuertes" (see recipe below), fist pumping, moped stealing, the Todd, and all of the other things that make Spring Break in Acapulco absurd, Mexico, in and of itself, makes no sense.

For starters every single person behind the wheel of a car is absolutely, 100%, piss drunk. I'm not talking "one too many Coronas at dinner" drunk either. I'm taking "if they blew into a breath-alyzer it would read 'C'mon, you're fucking with me right?'" drunk. Allow me to illustrate my point.

My good friends were staying in a Villa booked by our travel agency and they hired a private driver through the agency for the week. Now you would think these people would be screened or at the very least be responsible, as an accident with a van full of Americans could cause some heat for a travel agency. Yeah, that's what you would think. But no, not in Mexico. This guy kept a cooler in his van so he could get tanked while waiting for my friends to need a ride somewhere, and sideswiped a bus with two of them in the van, even after they yelled at him repeatedly to watch out for it. His response was something along the lines of "Shit! My boss is gonna kill me! I just replaced that mirror yesterday!!" Bienvenido a Mexico.

Secondly, you can buy anything, anything in Mexico. I went to Walmart to take out some pesos (read: monopoly money) and they sold clothes, car tires, flat screen TVs, frozen TV dinners, bottles of Tequila, and I'm 95% certain I heard someone say "How much is that baby?" But there's a 5% chance I'm wrong so think what you will. And all of that was just on Aisle 1.

There are 80 year old women who stand outside Walmart (and I keep using Walmart because I'm pretty sure it's the only store in Mexico) standing around asking if they can cart your purchases to your car for you on their backs for 5 pesos. (5 pesos=50 cents USD boys and girls) Walk out of the club at 4am and what do you see? A Mexican 5 year old selling gum out of a box. It's like that Dave Chappelle skit "Hey baby!!!" (don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about.) I mean where the hell are this kid's parents? Actually, they're probably just driving around wasted.

The last reason I'm going to talk about (though certainly not the last reason Mexico is a fictional country) is what occurred at the airport on the way home. We get there around 6am for a 9am flight to find that the plane before us (which is supposed to have left 2 hours prior) is still checking in. Why were they still checking in? Because the Mexican airport hand searches each person's bag traveling out of the country. This is the same airport that used normal, airport, X-ray technology to check bags going into the country, bags that had been checked by X-ray in their own departing countries, and that were already OFF OF THE PLANE! But apparently this technology is only available when its completely useless, and so our bags had to be hand checked.

As the clock ticked away, and people were running off to the bathroom to throw up last night's tequila, we realized there was no way we were going to make our flight. So now we had 200 pissed off, hung over, American, Fraternity and Sorority students. So what did we decide to do? Take over the airport. Two kids jumped behind the security desk where you check in and get your boarding pass (enough to get you shot or at the very least tasered here in the US) and take up posts, while someone pulled out a stereo and started blasting Techno. Everyone started clapping and cheering, and people were literally standing on the luggage conveyor belts pumping fists and getting rowdy. What do the Mexican airport staff do? Call security? Call the police? Why the hell would they? This is Mexico! No, they stood there and laughed their asses off and danced to the music. When 4 cops eventually did show up, they gave up trying to maintain order after 5 min and proceeded to hit on every American coed within 100 ft. radius. Long story short our flight was pushed back two hours and our party package turned out to end not with Palladium, but with Aeropuerto de Acapulco.

These are just a few reasons that Mexico, is not a real country, and if not for the fact that it showed up on maps, I would argue is not even a real place, but an imaginary land of amazing proportions. Oh and as promised:

Mas Fuertes
-Fill a blender with ice
-Fill 1/2 the blender with Tequila, Rum, and Vodka
-Throw in 1 banana
-Dump in some OJ and Coconut Creme
-Have the greatest Mexican 80's rock band hair of all time
-Scream "Hollywoooooooooood!!!!"
-Blend your creation
-Pour half a cup of rum
-Fill the other half of the cup with your blended creation.
-Rinse and repeat.

Buena Suerte
-Adam