Cosmopolitan Magazine is the bane of the male existence. There hasn't been propaganda put out that is this pernicious to my happiness since the King James edition. And it isn't bad enough that Cosmo has millions of women reading this nonsense and taking it as truth, but now Cosmo, in effort to ruin life for males under the age of 20, also publishes CosmoGirl.

Sometimes when I'm on line at the supermarket, I'll pick up the latest Cosmo just so I can get a heads up on the irrational things I might hear from a girl I know in the upcoming weeks (it's like studying film on the opposing team) The things posted in Cosmo are utterly ridiculous. Take for instance the photo to the left and the heading Could Your Man Be Gay? The First Signs. I'm willing to bet some of these telltale "signs" include things like playing video games with friends and wanting to watch the Rangers game instead of The Notebook. Are they kidding?

The worst part though, in my opinion, is the "Advice from a Guy" section of Cosmopolitan. Women write in with legitimate questions, and get horribly inaccurate advice. Hey Cosmo, you aren't doing anyone any favors. The women are getting bad advice and a false sense of what guys are thinking, and these so called "male" advice givers are just making real guys look bad. Don't believe me? Well here's some quotes taken from the Cosmo website in regards to things guys have said about turning them on (with my initial response upon reading them in bold type).

"I like it when you wear silk gloves or a cashmere scarf and rub them against sensitive regions like my treasure trail" -- Loius, 24
"Um...what the fuck? This is the weirdest thing I have ever heard and there is no way a guy wrote this. 'Treasure trail?!'"

"My girl pretended not to want to kiss me. I had to use my tongue to pry her mouth open passionately" -- Ron, 25
"Ron, that wasn't your girl, and she wasn't pretending. Hookers are people too and they have rules. When they say no kissing, it means no kissing."

"Have me lie on my stomach, then wet the skin below my butt with your tongue. Blow on it" -- Beckett, 33
"Um..."

In an effort to try and even the score and fight back against the propaganda machine that is Cosmo, I have gone behind enemy lines, to cosmopolitan.com and pulled a number of actual questions from their "Advice from a Guy" section. I will now answer these truthfully, like an actual guy would (not like those warlocks being paid by Cosmo to make other guys look bad). Here's my version of "Advice from a Guy." Enjoy.

Q: My boyfriend and I have been together for two years, and I still can’t get enough of him. He usually feels the same, but at times, he backs away and just wants to be alone. I know he loves me, so why does he do this?
A: Don't go boiling his pet rabbit just yet, you psycho. Your boyfriend is completely normal and everyone likes their free space from time to time. Just consider yourself lucky that after 2 years of dating you, your boyfriend can still put up with your Stage-5 Clinger ass.

Q: What's the proper etiquette when it comes to paying on dates? My feeling is, the guy should pay for the first three dates, and then I'll pick up the tab on the fourth. Some of my friends think you should take turns. What do you think?
A: I think you are cheap. The first 3 dates, especially numero uno, are going to be the big ones. If he's smart he'll go all out on these first few to impress you. The fourth date will probably be hanging out and getting coffee. Way to pick up that tab Warren Buffet. Offer to pay on all the dates otherwise you run the risk that he will take you out to a nice seafood dinner and never call you again (just ask Dorothy Mantooth).

Q: I’ve been going through a bit of a dating dry spell. I’m not into bars, and I’d like to meet someone through my friends. The ones who are hooked up know plenty of single guys, but they never try to set me up! When I ask, they claim the guys aren’t worthy of me. What’s the deal?
A: You're friends are full of shit. Sorry honey, but you probably just aren't that attractive. Guys usually don't mind pimping out their friends especially if the girl is attractive because then they get to hear all the dirty details, plus it gives them a built in double date couple that includes one of their good friends. The fact that they are unwilling, and that you are already in a slump leads me to believe you're not exactly a looker. I would say cut your losses and join a convent (Or seek out Bottom Feeders ).

Q: Even though my boyfriend and I have sex all the time, he looks at pornography every day. It makes me feel like he isn’t satisfied with our sex life. How much porn is too much?
A: Conventional wisdom states that there is no such thing as "too much" porn. Pragmatism, however, would state that your boyfriend might have hit the "too much" stage once he starts selling your jewelry for money to buy external hard-drives to store it all. Until that point, I'd say he's in the clear.

Q: I'm seeing this guy who doesn't like to kiss. He's into sex, but he says he's just not into kissing. I know it's not me, because I've been told I'm good at it. Is this normal?
A: My, aren't we the little cocky advice seeker. "I know it's not me?" Maybe your boyfriend won't kiss you because your conceited, arrogant attitude disgusts him. Or maybe you have a big Herpes cold sore.

Q: I've been dating my boyfriend for a long time, the problem is that his penis is too big. How do I tell him without making him feel self conscious.
A: Liz, please stop posting our personal business in Cosmo and on the Internet. If you want to speak to me about this, let's do it in private.

Q: My guy hinted that he wanted to see me in sexy outfits, so I bought some lacy, girlie lingerie. Now I’m too embarrassed to actually to wear them to bed. I’m afraid he’s going to think they’re not sexy on me. What should I do?
A: Stop being a baby. Chances are your guy already finds you attractive and sexy if he requested you to wear lingerie. If he thought you were Shamu, he certainly wouldn't have requested that you wear skimpy outfits. If he finds you sexy in an old t-shirt and sweats, I don't think putting on less clothes is going to make him think you're less sexy. It tends to not work like that. (Plus, if you bought them and won't wear them, you are just wasting money, a trait guys can't stand).

Q:I’m happy with my boyfriend, but after six months, the sex has gotten boring. Why does he like it only when I'm on top?
A: Because then he can just lay there and doesn't have to do anything. Next question.

Q: Recently, I put on a few pounds, but my guy swears that he can’t tell. Are men really oblivious to weight gain?
A: No, we are most definitely not oblivious to weight gain. We notice. Trust me. It just sounds like your boyfriend has learned the rules of the game: smile and deny. If you know you've gained a few pounds, stop putting him in awkward situations by asking him things like "Does this outfit make me look fat?" One of these days he might just slip up and reply, "No, you're fat ass makes you look fat."

Hopefully this shed a little light on how a real guy would answer your questions ladies. Cosmopolitan Magazine and CosmoGirl! are propaganda bullshit. If you want real answers to your questions ask a real person! Don't post them to some magazine or website where the responder is either a woman pretending to be a man, or a guy getting paid to lie to you to make every other female reader feel better about herself. Just a thought. God I hate Cosmo.

-Adam