It isn't everyday that I get to make a complete mockery of something worthwhile so I gotta tell you, when it happens, man is it sweet.

I just got back from running the Jog For Justice 5k which is put on by UMD's Office of Victim's Advocates for Sexual Awareness Month. Right about now you're probably thinking, "Man, after all the racist, absurd things Adam has written about, he ran a 5k for victim's advocacy? I had him pegged all wrong!" Nope. I only did it because I got 20 extra credit points for one of my criminology classes.

To start things off, I showed up at 10:15 instead of 12 for the race because I can't read. The email said volunteers at 10:15, racers at 12. In my hungover state, I was unable to discern the two. So 10:15 rolls around, and there I am, standing around with all the volunteers. The people running the race probably thought I was retarded. Me? Well, I ate some of the pizza they bought for the volunteers only (which I was certainly not), signed in for the race, and went back to my apartment to go back to sleep.

My 2 friends were also running the race, one for extra credit, and one just for fun (He's an idiot. The last thing I would consider fun is running 3 miles on a Saturday morning hung over, but that's me), so I wound up driving back to the race with them at 12. We get there, and I realize I don't have any pockets for my keys, so I figured I'd store 'em in my car under the seat (Sure, great idea Adam). Well, long story short I wind up locking my keys and my phone in my car. Excellent. I decide there's nothing I can do until after the race so I head over to the pavilion set up.

Around 11:40 this giant black woman (think Nitro from American Gladiators) shows up decked out in Under Armour. I proceed to point her out to everyone around me with the following:

Me: Uh-oh, looks like we won't be winning!
Random Racer: Why?
Me: See her? That's Tank. She's the 5 time Jog For Justice 5k Champion.
Random Racer: Really?
Me: Yeah, man. I guess I'm shooting for 2nd place.

People ate this garbage up. It was awesome. Next on the agenda was this overweight guy in sunglasses and flip flops who worked for O.V.A. that wanted to give us a pep-talk and tell us a little bit about the cause. Don't worry, I didn't make fun of the cause. I'm a bigger person than that (barely). However, unfortunately for him (and fortunately for me) I was situated near his stage up front, surrounded by racers. When he said he knows how important stretching is before a race, I said out loud (louder than I thought apparently), "This guy hasn't stretched since 1990, back in 4th grade." That got some good laughs (listen, I can only be appropriate for so long). Then he proceeded to hold up a sign that said "Got Consent?" in mock Got Milk advertising font. I laughed out loud for a good 5 minutes (I couldn't control myself, it looked ridiculous). Again, more laughs from those around me.

So let me review. It's 11:45. The race hasn't even started yet and I've:

-Shown up 2 hours early
-Helped myself to delicious Volunteers Only food
-Locked my keys in my car
-Locked my cell phone in my car
-Convinced strangers that "Tank" was running in the race
-Made fun of the M.C.
-Mocked O.V.A.'s 2008 Jog for Justice ad campaign

Eventually the race starts. Me and my two friends start jogging. After 5 minutes one of my friends, the one who is doing the race for fun, pops in his iPod and takes off. That left me and my friend Siegel. We actually ran about a mile before deciding to be lazy and walk (we have no shame and did not mind in the slightest when fat guys hooked up to oxygen tanks passed us). After about 20 minutes of walking, Siegel and I decided that this whole 3 miles of running/walking thing wasn't really for us.

We wound up cutting out a good portion of the race, and taking a "short cut" to the last leg of the race, Van Munching Hall (which I've referenced before in my Pulp Non-Fiction post). There we sat inside the very new, very comfortable, very air-conditioned business school and waited for racers to pass the far side of the building. Once they did, we walked out the back of the building and walked to the finish line.

Upon finishing we were greeted with claps and cheers by people who had finished before us, for the great work we had done in promoting the Jog for Justice cause. Sure, I felt a little bad about the the whole cheating in the race thing, but I was more proud of my ability to completely turn a serious event into a mockery for myself and those around me. The way I look at it, there were some people out there this morning who were legitimately there for the cause, and those people deserve more than a stupid t-shirt. They deserved a good laugh and I was happy to oblige. Now that's justice as far as I'm concerned.

-Adam