I'm starting a cult in my spare time. The Church of Believers in Christ, Yahweh, Shiva, Buddha and Allah Who Also Like to Get Down (the name will make more sense as you read on). I just think it'll be kind of fun. It's not one of those crazy, "drink the Kool-Aid," and kill yourself cults, I'm not talking Manson Family or anything like that, that's not my style. I just want to make ridiculous claims, live by my own set of rules, have thousands of followers, and make a little extra cash off my devout believers. When I spell it out like that, can you really blame me?

I was on Digg.com shamelessly plugging my blog when I came across an article 6 Insane Cults (That Would Probably Be Fun). Clearly I had to stop and read it. I'll be honest, some of them did sound like a lot of fun:

Family International believes in Jesus. In fact, I would go so far as to say they love Jesus. Literally. They believe that during sex and masturbation, followers are making love to the Lord himself. (They also believe that it's acceptable for women to be bisexual as long as there is a man there. Funny, I also believe in that!) They encourage their followers to have as much sex as they want, because after all, Jesus is a nympho! However, like any Jesus loving organization, the Family isn't down with gay rights, so to reconcile their beliefs, they encourage men doing the deed to envision themselves as women, doing it with the Lord (Oh yeah, that's much less gay if you ask me...no hetero). Still, its a pretty cool cult if you ask me.

Really though, what did the founder of that cult do? Nothing! He took peoples' established beliefs in Christianity, looked at what those beliefs forbade that people were doing anyway (having sex), and said "Hey join up with me where you can love Jesus, and still get your freak on!" Okay, so he put more spin on it than that but that's the gist of it. And he's probably making bank right now, sitting on an island somewhere watching his followers getting jiggy with Jesus. It's brilliant. So really to start a cult all you need to do is give the people what they want. I can do that!

Hence my cult name: The Church of Believers in Christ, Yahweh, Shiva, Buddha and Allah Who Also Like to Get Down. Anyone can join, as long as they pay the annual membership fee. Believers can wear what they want, pray to whomever they want, and pretty much do whatever they want. Roman Catholicism not letting you get married if you're gay? We will! Amish doctrine won't let you get shitfaced on a Saturday night and listen to the radio? I'll let you borrow my shot glass AND my iPod! Want to be Jewish and still get buried with that awesome tattoo of Chuck Norris on your ass? We'll bury you! Are you a hot Indian girl who wants to show off that body you've worked so hard for at the gym but Hinduism just wont let you? I say grab a membership application and a bikini.

Sure, cults are ridiculous, and are for the feeble-minded and easily fooled. But how is that any different than organized religion? Cults have their Kool-Aid, Roman Catholics have their wine (for the record, my cult will have Strawberry Daiquiris and Shots of Jack). Plus, at least cults give honest, hardworking, bullshitters like myself an opportunity to make a little money. The only way I'm making any money off the Catholic Church is as a prosecutor for little Timmy. Cults are where its at these days.

Who wants some Kool-Aid?

-Adam