Quick apologies...
Sorry about the lack of post yesterday. I was on 43 hours with no sleep (long story), suffice it to say that I haven't been that tired since back in the Omega days—number 9...number 9...number 9—thanks Jeff.

Also, there were some weird problems with the ".net" address, I don't know why, but its up again, sorry if you couldn't get on yesterday. That's what she said.

-Adam

This one's for polsky...

Apparently the NFL Draft has been going on for the past two days. I, of course, had absolutely no idea, seeing as how the extent of my sports knowledge is that hockey is played on ice, Anna Kournikova is hot, and that basketball is the number 3 employer of black men aged 20-25, per capita, nationally (the #1 employer is Russell Simmons, #2 is Burger King). This has nothing to do with today's post. Today's post is about me grocery shopping.

After perusing the aisles for good deals (2 Colgate toothbrushes for $5, you say? Sold! The fact that I don't even need one new toothbrush, let alone two, is completely irrelevant), I made my way to the checkout line. While waiting for the people in front of me, I happened to glance over at the magazine rack. It was the usual nonsense about Queen Latifah losing 50lbs and Tom and Katie waiting for aliens to land on their front lawn, or whatever it is Scientologists do, but then I spotted it. My arch nemesis, the Shredder to my Splinter, printed by Satan himself on high-gloss, pink paper...Cosmopolitan.

Now, I've already written about the lies and misinformation that Cosmo puts out to brainwash females and turn them into man-hating, self conscious, eating disorder having drones, but I figured there might be something funny worth writing about, so I read the headlines on the cover. Jackpot. There it was, nestled neatly in the bosom of two headlines reading "When Your Boobs Act Weird," and "New Killer Ab Shapers," the headline that stopped me in my tracks: "The Sexiest Things to Do After Sex."

I was bewildered as to how this headline could merit a whole article. Off the top of my head, I thought that at best, it would be a three line article:

Line 1: The Sexiest Things to Do After Sex
Line 2: #1) Have sex again
Line 3: #2) Go to sleep.

I mean, really, what other than those two prospects could Cosmo have thought of? Sure, I thought, I guess "make a sandwich," could have made the list, but I wasn't sure if it would be classified as sexy. I guess it all depends on what kind of sandwich it was: PB&J? Not so sexy. Home-made Chicken Parm Sub? Sexy. I'll admit, my interest was piqued, so I flipped open the magazine to take a look at what else the propagandists over at Cosmo had to say.

I was shocked to find that Cosmo had not only managed to fill more than three lines on the page, but that they had filled the entire page. The way Cosmo went about the article, was to break down the alleged "sexiest things you can do after sex" by sense and then list two or three things under the heading. Here is a sample with my reactions.

Sight
Put peach-colored bulbs in your bedside lamp. They cast soft light and create that soothing after-sex atmosphere you crave.

My Thoughts:
First off, where does one even go about finding "peach-colored bulbs?" I tried typing www.gaylightbulbs.com into my web browser, but it didn't exist. So, I'm at a loss there. Assuming such light bulbs do even exist, why peach? Why not apricot? Or deep peach? Or peach yellow? (I had that big box of 126 Crayola Crayons as a kid, what can I say?) Plus, why the hell would I want to turn the light on? To me, that seems it would make it very difficult for me to achieve the #2 Sexiest Thing to Do After Sex: Go To Sleep.

Sound
Listening to upbeat songs keeps your heart rate up so you can stay awake and enjoy more one-on-one time.

My Thoughts:
One-on-one time? Didn't we just have one-on-one time (if you are having anything more than one-on-one time and aren't currently reading this in prison, I salute you)? Plus, how does listening to upbeat, positive songs help at all? I mean, sure, I Will Survive really gets me going on those rare occasions, you know, when I am a 40 year old woman, tipsy off red wine, dancing by myself at my nephew's Bar Mitzvah, but other than that....

Taste
Eating chocolate increases levels of the feel-good chemical serotonin in your brain, kind of like getting a natural high. So engage in chocolaty bites.

My Thoughts:
Cosmo hit the nail on the head with this one. After all, nothing says "sexy" after sex quite like the metallic sound of a Hershey bar being unwrapped. Are they kidding? If I was in bed with a girl and she rolled over and started making S'mores, I would politely wait until she finished toasting mine, and then proceed to get the hell out of there. I have to hand it to Cosmo though, telling girls to eat a lot of chocolate will make them gain weight, which will in turn make them buy next months issue featuring the "How to Lose Weight The Mary-Kate Way!" article. Smart move Cosmo.

Touch
The warmer your temperature, the easier it is to stay turned on. Create a cocoon around your intertwined bodies with a soft blanket.

My Thoughts
Did you just have sex at base camp? Unless you're doing the hippity-dippity at the foot of Everest, you probably don't need to be wrapped up in a cocoon for body heat. Plus, if the blankets are twisted around you tightly, how are you supposed to roll over and go to sleep? Cosmo really needs to think these things out.

Seriously, what is Cosmo thinking? This crap is nonsense. I tried to really stretch my brain, which is known for it's elasticity when it comes to random things like this, and the best I could come up with was 5 things.

1. Have sex again.
2. Go to sleep.
3. Make a sandwich.
4. Gnaw through the ropes and/or handcuffs.
5. Pay the woman and leave.

-Adam