Last night I had the very strange, semi-gay, but very funny experience of being interviewed over AOL Instant Messenger by a member of the press who refused to identify himself as anyone other than "Big Roobowski, News Rooporter." He claimed to be from a California news source, however, I have my suspicions that that might not be true. When I asked for his credentials, he was unable to produce, and merely uttered something about not being able to hold a press pass while roaming through the halls of buildings in Tighty Whiteys.

Nonetheless, I have some new readers, specifically 2 daily readers in Japan (which is wild), so I figured maybe posting this interview would help them get a little feel for the guy writing these posts. So here ya go. (Plus it was so utterly ridiculous, that I had to write about it).

Big: Okay, first question.
Me: Bring it.
Big: As you are currently one day in the future, what do you have to say to your West Coast fans about what tomorrow brings?
Me: Tomorrow brings good things—
Big: That's all you got?
Me: —let me finish. You'll apparently get to know a little bit more about me, readers. You know...for the ladies. (Or the bi-curious dudes. What's up San Fran!)
Big: ...great.
Big: Would you rather have McDonald's breakfast, Wendy's lunch or Arby's—all day?
Me: Wow. That's a tough one. Would I be able to eat off of the value menu and/or dollar menu when available at said establishment?
Big: Whatever the rules of each establishment are, apply.
Me: Ok, then definitely Wendy's. The dollar menu takes it. The nuggets are superior, and the spicy chicken sandwich is to die for.
Me: No homo.
Big: None taken.
Big: Are you at all interested in the fact that your name is an anagram for such words as: neato, bean, and teanob?
Me: Is "teanob" a word?
Big: Not yet.
Me: It sounds like some sort of freaky, sex term.
Big: Perhaps tea-baggin, rim job?
Me: Exactly.
Big: Have you ever seen an uncircumcised wang?
Me: Does it count if my eyes were closed?
Big: Obviously, blind people see with their hands.
Me: Then...no. But thanks for asking
Big: Do you want to see one?
Me: What? No!
Big: C'mon.
Me: Okay, maybe a 6 out of 10.
Big: That's still passing.
Me: I'm kidding...What's up San Fran readers!
Big: Do you tie your shoes with the 2 bunny ears technique or the loop-swoop and pull technique?
Me: I don't want to alienate anyone here, but I am an avid loop-swoop and puller. So is Adam Sandler.
Big: Would you want to know the exact time of your death, if you could?
Me: Would knowing allow me to change it ala Doc Emmit Brown? Or would it continue on unhindered?
Me: Actually, I would want to know. Definitely.
Big: To quote Mase, "If you had 24 hours to live, just think: Where would you go? What would you do, who would you screw?"
Me: Kentucky, drink moonshine out of a bucket, and you, Big. Obviously.
Big: ...what up San Fran!
Big: N*Sync or Backstreet boys?
Me: N*Sync.
Big: Me too.
Me: When did this interview turn so gay?
Big: I thought that's what you wanted.
Me: When the hell did I ever say that?!
Big: Moving on, have you ever looked at an ass and knew you had to slap it?
Me: Indeed.
Big: Did you get to slap it?
Me: I'll leave that up to you to decide for yourself.
Big: When you were 7, what did you want to be?
Me: A Ghostbuster.
Big: Did you have the toy that you stepped on the catch the ghosts?
Me: The trapper? Yup, and the backpack and the ghost-finding meter.
Big: I still have that shit...I'd wear it all the time, if it still fit.
Me: Who wouldn't?
Big: What is the worst food in College Park?
Me: Danny's.
Big: But...even the cheese fries? Have you ever even had a burger from there?!
Me: Despite it's reputation as having the "World's Greatest Hamburgers?" No.
Big: Shanghai is far dirtier for the record. And Danny's burgers are really good. Not the best, but good.
Me: Better than Mondo Burger?
Big: Of course, Mondo Burger is dirt. Good Burger is the best. You go in the grinder with Mondo Burger.
Me: Well played. I see I can't stump you with references.
Big: Do you think Dane Cook is funny?
Me: I don't think Dane Cook has been funny since Want/Need. "I think...somebody shit on the coats!"
Big: Wrong. Dane Cook was never funny.
Me: Oh really? Then I suppose you think Chuck Norris was never immortal.
Big: Do you think Heidi and Spencer will get back together?
Me: Don't change the subject. Chuck is coming...for you.
Big: What? Sorry. Yeah, Chuck Norris is immortal. Obviously.
Big: What about Heidi and Spencer? C'mon the Hills is coming on in a few minutes.
Me: No, Heidi has gotten too big. She was on the cover of People.
Big: Pssh. I throw pennies at her when I see her on the street.
Big: I haven't yet. But I would. That's what counts.
Me: Clearly.
Big: Okay, thanks for the interview. Time to get my Hills on.
Me: Use protection. Who knows where that show has been.

-Adam