If someone came up to me on the street and offered me $18 million dollars for one year of work, I wouldn't even ask what type of work it was. I would say yes, hands down. They could ask me to assassinate high ranking members of the clergy or punt baby seals off glaciers to their doom, it wouldn't matter as long as I had my contract signed. Done and done.


(Note to the ladies: Roger Clemens is a pitcher, currently under investigation by Congress for steroid use.)

That's why it boggles my mind to read stories about Roger Clemens. I mean, how dumb is this guy? He was offered $18 million dollars by the Astros to play baseball for a year. One year! If someone made me an offer like that I wouldn't leave my house except to go to practice and games. I would stay at home, playing fun games like "Get Drunk and Laugh at the Working Class Folk On T.V." and "Let's Roll Around Naked in C-Notes." But no, not the Rocket. This clown goes and gets himself wrapped up in men shooting things in his anus. (I mean steroids. You're all a bunch of sick, degenerate perverts.)

The latest news on the Rocket, according to various sources, is that he has been having a long time affair with country singer turned tabloid darling, Mindy McCready (equally as famous for her 1996 hit "Guys Do It All The Time," as for her ability to get arrested and sent to jail.) The story purports that Roger started the affair back while he was a married father of two and while Mindy was at the ripe, young age of fifteen.

Seeing as how, despite not caring about sports, I am a quasi-Yankees fan, and how I simply find it hard to believe that this guy would risk his fame and fortune over a women who looks like she could've been an extra in the trailer park scene in 8-Mile, I'm going to say that this is nothing more than a rumor thrown out there to try and discredit Roger some more (Then again, R-Kelly runs around peeing on people).

So this got me thinking, what kind of rumors are next? I mean, first steroids, now statutory rape and infidelity, it's only a matter of time before we start to hear some really wild, really absurd, really impossible ones. That means anyone has a chance to get their name out there by making up Clemens rumors. Here are some rumors that I've come up with that I hope get big enough to merit a Mike & Mike discussion.

Rumor #1
Roger Clemens was the third shooter on the grassy knoll. That's right ladies and gentlemen, there was no magic bullet. It was the Rocket. In fact, he didn't even use a gun. He simply took a handful of bullets and threw them at JFK. And just like that, the world's last gunslinger was struck out looking.

Rumor #2
Roger Clemens sabotaged Apollo 13. Apparently, he was pissed off that NASA had the audacity to refer to the launching device that would carry the shuttle into space a "rocket." According to a private conversation caught on wire-tap, Roger was so infuriated at the use of his hard-earned nickname that he broke into the launch site and rigged the oxygen tank to explode.

Rumor #3
Roger invented both AIDS and Crack in an effort to curb the number of people (read: black guys) who would be able to hit his fastballs. That's right. It's a little known fact about Rog that he excelled in chemistry at the University of Texas. When Roger started to get the feeling, early on in the 80s, that he was going to make it big in the majors, he used his knowledge of chemical engineering to take out the competition.

Rumor #4
Roger Clemens once called Ghandi a "fag." True story. It went down while Roger and his family went to visit India back in1932. They both happened to be in the men's room of a local restaurant. Roger looked over from his urinal at Ghandi and said, "Hey, are you that Ghandi guy, the one that doesn't believe in violence?" Ghandi responded, "Yes, yes I am." Roger looked him dead in the eye and said, "Yeah? No violence? You're a fag. I'm the Rocket, bitch."

Rumor #5
Roger Clemens told Eddie Murphy that it would be a good idea if Eddie left standup and started making movies where he played every single character. Thanks to Roger we've all had to sit through shit movies like the Nutty Professor 2 and Norbit.

Rumor #6
Roger Clemens is a cyborg assassin sent from the future. His right arm is, in fact, a rocket. He has been sent to kill Sarah Connor, a young woman whose life will have a great significance in years to come as her unborn son will lead the human race to victory in a bitter future war with a race of machines (Okay, maybe that one is the Terminator).

Rumor #7
Roger Clemens is an active member of Al Qaeda. Is it just me, or does he seem to move baseball clubs every two or three years? Why? I'm willing to bet it's because Homeland Security is onto him.

Rumor #8
Roger Clemens betrayed Leonidas and his brave 300. It seems a young Roger Clemens wanted to join the Spartan Army in the fight against the very feminine looking, but oddly deep-voiced Xerxes. Much to his dismay however, Leonidas had a strict policy about juicing, and frequently tested his soldiers. In his anger, he sided with the Persians.

Rumor #9
Roger Clemens shot Biggie and Tupac. However, he had absolutely nothing to do with the murder of Jam Master J. It is a widely known and accepted fact that Roger is a huge Run D.M.C. fan.

Rumor #10
Roger Clemens is also the spoiler in every movie ever made: Roger Clemens kills Dumbledore. Roger Clemens' weakness is water (M. Night, you are the worst). Roger Clemens is Luke's father. Roger Clemens' therapist is a ghost. Roger Clemens is The One. Tyler Durden is in Roger Clemen's head. Verbal Kent. is Roger Clemens. Roger Clemens' roommate is a part of his Beautiful Mind. See?

In case you are wondering, readers, yes, these are all 100% true. I urge you to spread the word and write in to Pardon the Interruption and Cold Pizza by the hundreds telling them all the horrible things the Rocket has done. If you enough of us write in, these facts will seem legit. It might even make them seem too legit. Too legit to quit.

-Adam