"You wouldn't go to Africa if you had the chance?!" My girlfriend was looking at me like I had nine heads. She had just asked me that very phrase and sat incredulous as I replied, "Hell no." Not just no. Hell no.

It was in the midst of some late night conversation about the places we would want to go if we had an unlimited bankroll and no responsibilities (read: trust fund babies from Long Island). Suprisingly, our hypothetical destinations started off pretty similar with locales like Australia, Greece, & Spain. About ten minutes in, however, our paths went Frost on us (I'm particularly proud of this turn of phrase, for those who get the reference), right around the point where she brought up wanting to go to Africa.

She simply could not understand why I wouldn't want to go to Africa. How could I not want to see their beautiful country with its rich history and culture? What possible reasoning could I have? Gee, I don't know maybe things like the ongoing genocides, the kidnapping of Americans for ransom, a few drug wars, children shot full of "candy" (read: heroine) equipped with rocket launchers, the kidnapping of Americans for ransom, stampedes, lion attacks, poisonous wildlife, and oh yeah, did I mention the kidnapping of Americans for ransom?

According to her, each and every one of my reasons were wildly exaggerated (I tried convincing her that my facts were 100% accurate as I had gleaned them from not one, but many viewings of Lord of War and The Lion King), and that I was downright crazy for letting a little thing like "the kidnapping of Americans for ransom" stop me from seeing the dark continent. Unfortunately for her (fortunately for me), I finally think I've found a reason she would certainly empathize with, seeing as how she kind of has a personal stake in the matter: rampant penis theft.

You read it correctly readers: penis theft. The pilferage of phalluses. The stealing of schlongs. The dastardly deed of de-donging dudes (De-donging is a word. I swear). The...okay you get my point. There was an article in Reuters and Yahoo News!, (see it here) on April 22, 2008 entitled, "Lynchings in Congo as Penis Theft Panic Hits Capital." When a friend of mine sent me the link via email I thought it was some sort of joke. But no, it's real. In fact, here are some blurbs from the article in which I have I have bolded, what I feel, are the highlights (I'm quoting because to be honest, I don't think I could do it the justice it deserves):

—KINSHASA (Reuters) - Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men's penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft.—

—Reports of so-called penis snatching are not uncommon in West Africa, where belief in traditional religions and witchcraft remains widespread, and where ritual killings to obtain blood or body parts still occur.—

—Purported victims, 14 of whom were also detained by police, claimed that sorcerers simply touched them to make their genitals shrink or disappear, in what some residents said was an attempt to extort cash with the promise of a cure.—

—"It's real. Just yesterday here, there was a man who was a victim. We saw. What was left was tiny," said 29-year-old Alain Kalala, who sells phone credits near a Kinshasa police station.—

I'm not going to even touch on the downright craziness of believing someone can touch you and make your penis disappear, I'll leave that up to people with a much higher maturity level. But thirteen people have been arrested for penis stealing?! Thirteen? How does one person even go about stealing a penis, let alone thirteen? It's not like a penis is a DVD Player (that would be so cool if it was though).

Now, I don't know much about Africa, but I'm pretty confident that even over there, penises being attached to the rest of the body comes as a standard feature. This means that these thirteen victims had to be somewhat aware of the fact that their penises were being stolen. Um...what?! I don't care who you are, how old you are, or how tough you are; as a male, if someone tries to steal your penis, you don't let them have it. It's as simple as that.

Robber: Don't make any sudden moves! I have a gun!
Me: Okay...here's my wallet, take it.
Robber: I don't want your wallet. I want your penis!
Me: Fuck that. You better shoot me right between the eyes then. There's no way in hell you're getting my penis.

It's not like you can say, "Fine, take the penis, but leave me my credit cards." As far I'm concerned, if there was only one thing worth fighting and dying for, it wouldn't be home, country, life, liberty or happiness. It would be my penis. If someone ever tried to take my penis away from me, by any means, even African Witch-Doctor Voodoo, I would turn into the Incredible Hulk and destroy them. So, with that being said, no Liz, I will not be going to Africa anytime soon. Not even if I had Bill Gates' money, and my own private jet. The continent is full of God damn penis thieves!

-Adam