What's up ese?! I hope I am among the first to wish you all a happy Cinco de Mayo. After all, Cinco de Mayo is one of the most important Mexican holidays. Well, unless of course you're Mexican. Yup, that's right everyone, for the most part real Mexicans don't celebrate Cinco de Mayo.

Maybe it has just a little something to do with the fact that the origin of holiday is not to celebrate Mexican Independence Day, despite what many people (read: gringos) think. The actual origin of the holiday is to celebrate the victory of the Mexican army against the French at Puebla. Unlucky for the Mexicans, it only served to piss off the French, who, in what might be the country's only successful military effort ever, invaded and occupied Mexico City less than a year later (I can see why they aren't fond of celebrating the holiday, I mean, Native Americans don't go around celebrating the day the white-man landed on Plymouth do they? No, sir, they do not).

So as it turns out, the only people who really do celebrate Cinco de Mayo are white people who want an excuse to drink, wear funny hats, and call each other "ese." (Not that there's anything wrong with that, I'm just saying). According to Wikipedia, Cinco de Mayo has become a day to celebrate Mexican heritage and achievements, much like St. Patrick's Day is used as a day to celebrate Irish heritage (read: Guinness and cabbage). Heritage and achievements, you say? From Mexico? Sure, no, there are probably tons. In fact, here is a list of what I feel are the crowning achievements in Mexican heritage:

1. Speedy Gonzalez
He's the fastest mouse south of the border, plus he isn't anywhere near as annoying as that French rapist of skunk, Pepe Le Pu.

2. Cheech Marin
This man is the finest actor Mexico has ever produced. In my opinion, he has been robbed of his due accolades by the Academy for far too long. Have they not seen Shrimp on the Barbie? I mean, c'mon!

3. Pinatas
Nothing prepares white kids for a future of beating down minorities for their own personal gain like taking a few good cuts at a Pinata. I am, of course, speaking metaphorically, unless of course the child grows up to be a member of the L.A.P.D., in which case they will actually beat down minorities, most likely in an unprovoked attack.

4. From Dusk Till Dawn
While this "film," (read: piece of shit movie) did nothing to boost the careers of Tarantino or George Clooney, it did employee more Mexicans than your local Burger King. Plus it gave us a chance to see Salma Hayek dancing in a bikini and holding a giant snake, and that is never a bad thing.

5. Acapulco
If it wasn't for Mexico, I would have never been able to visit Acapulco for spring break. That means I never would've been able to do things like dance with the Devil or have small, Mexican children offer to sell me gum at 4am as I leave Palladium.

6. Tortillas with Beans, Meat, and Cheese
Call them what you want: tacos, nachos, gorditas, tacquitos etc. they are all the exact same thing, a tortilla with beans, meat, and cheese. Jim Gaffigan is onto you, Mexicans, and so am I. Actually, I don't even care that they are all the same thing with a different name, they taste delicious.

7. Management of Limited Space
Forget Yaffa Blocks. Forget storage bins. Forget Martha Stewart. None of these hold a candle to Mexicans when it comes to managing a limited amount of space. Mexicans can fit an entire family of fifteen into a single El Camino. Even Martha can't pull that off.

8. The Aesthetics of My Block
When you turn down onto the street that I live on, the first thing that hits you is the exquisite landscaping of the homes. No, I'm not bragging for the sake of my block, or even for my own house's landscaping. I'm bragging for the Mexicans who did such a great job putting it all together. Thanks Javier! Thanks Juan!

9. Selena
I don't know much about Selena Quintanilla Perez, but I do know that Jennifer Lopez wore some skimpy outfits and flaunted her humps— her humps, her humps, her humps, her lovely lady lumps—in that movie, and it was awesome. A biddy biddy bom bom!

10. Smooth
Dear Reader: Just like the ocean, under the moon, it's the same as the emotion that I get from you. You've got the kind of lovin' that could be so smooth, yeah. Give me your heart, make it real. Or else forget about it! This song by Carlos Santana, is amazing, and solidified Rob Thomas' role as a really "hip" white guy.

That's it. That's all I could think of. So today white readers, when you're wearing your sombreros, drinking coronas and tequila, make sure to pour out a shot for your amigos, and give it up for Mexican heritage.

-Adam