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Men are from Mars and women are from Venus, right? Well then Stephen Hawkings of the world, riddle me this, what the hell is wrong with the atmosphere on Venus that causes women to communicate (or not communicate) the way that they do? They say one thing—something along the lines of "No, I'm not mad"—but mean something entirely different—something like, "I'm going to go Lorena Bobbit on his ass if he doesn't knock it off." And they do it all the time.

To be honest, I don't think straight men will ever gain even a mediocre understanding of and ability to communicate with females. Sorry ladies, this one, much like your average Asian guy dunking, is just not in the cards. This huge disparity in the methods of communication between males and females and the subsequent inability for guys to have a clue what their girlfriends are talking about, makes me wonder if women find us, as guys, equally enigmatic?

As a male, I would tend to say that 90% of the time, my penis having brethren and I are extremely transparent (not "Michael Jackson transparent," I meant metaphorically). Don't roll your eyes at the screen ladies, sure, we might not be the Mt. Vesuvius of emotions, spewing feelings and raining down tears on everything within a twenty mile radius like some character from the Notebook, but whatever mood we're in, chances are you'll know it. If we're mad? You'll know it. Happy? You'll know that too. Horny? You'll definitely know it. And yet...my girlfriend can't seem to understand why I subconsciously scratch myself, enjoy playing Halo 3, and love Will Ferrell movies. So maybe, we aren't that easy to understand after all (for the record, I enjoy playing Halo 3 because Shotties/Snipers is the 21st century equivalent of jousting. Think about it).

Knowing how frustrating it can be to not understand members of the opposite sex, I figured I would help out my female readers by taking a look into the male psyche for them (you know, really get my Freud on). To do this, I started by examining the thoughts that run through my head on a daily basis, and then looked at male culture as a whole—I watched Jackass, SportsCenter, Anchorman, and surfed YouTube—and spoke to some friends. It turns out—probably not surprisingly—that the things guys think about can be broken down into three broad categories: sex, food, and entertainment.

I decided to take a poll of 60 guys (I actually was actually shooting for 50 but miscounted) aged 18-27 that I know, to determine which of these three categories predominates within the male thought process. I figured the best way to do this would be to pose three options, one for each respective category, and ask guys which they would rather have. The problem lay in choosing fair options, after all, while guys like BigMacs, I don't think any guy is going to choose a BigMac over sex. It took a little finagling, but I think in the end I came up with a fair question to ask for my survey.

"Which would you rather have: bad sex, a decent sandwich, or a great dump?"

I offered no further explanation was given on any of the options. I left it up to each male surveyed to determine for himself what constituted "bad, decent and great." In a surprise landslide victory, with 34/60 votes, the clear winner was "a great dump" (Second place went to bad sex with 16/60 votes, with the sandwich taking 10/60 votes). Yes ladies, it seems guys consider taking a dump a form of entertainment. Hey, all I said was I'd give you a peek into the minds of guys, I didn't say that what you found would be pretty.

Almost as funny as the results, in my opinion, are some of the responses I received upon asking guys the survey question. Here are a few of the better ones:

• It depends on what type of sandwich.
  
• Any sex is good sex.
• Bad sex...who is this? I got a new phone.
  
• Can I eat a sandwich on the toilet?
• Bad sex. Thank god you sent me this queer ass text because I would've slept through class.
• Depends, is the sex with a guy?
  
• Can I have bad sex then take a great dump?
• Bad sex...it's better than the sex I'm currently having, which is none—and I had a sandwich yesterday.
• There is nothing more satisfying than a great dump.
  
• In this tough world, I only strive for great things.
• Nothing compares to a great dump. Nothing.
• Can I take a sandwich sized dump on a girl's chest? Is that a trifecta?
• Can I still finish during the bad sex? If yes, sign me up.
• Thats a easy, a great dump. However, only under the auspices that I don't need to wipe.
  

Hope that helps understand where we're coming from.

-Adam