Like Aaron Karo before me, I am a recovering frat-boy. The one thing I've wanted to know lately is: when did being in a fraternity become synonymous with being a douche bag? It seems that more and more often, non-Greeks I meet say things like, "Oh, you're in a frat? But you're not an ass!" I don't even know what to say to that? Thanks?

I mean, sure, in no way are the terms frat-boy and douche mutually exclusive; I know many kids in my fraternity and others who most definitely qualify as both. But just like not all douches are frat-boys (some are butchers, some are bakers, some are candle stick makers. I hate my local candle stick maker), not all frat-boys are douches.

To clear things up for all the non-Greeks and GDI's out there (read: God Damn Independents), I have created a simple checklist to help distinguish someone as a douche. Hopefully once you start to get the hang of determining who is and isn't a douche, you will begin to notice that not all frat-boys are douches.

To qualify as a full-fledged douche, a person should meet 1/5 of the qualifications below.

1. The Blooming Onion
No, I'm not talking about the delicious appetizer at Chili's (baby back ribs...barbecue sauce), I'm talking about the haircut. Having this haircut is a sure fire sign of being a douche and/or the fact that someone thinks they "grew up Gotti," whatever that means. If you don't know what I'm talking about, go to YouTube and type in "My New Haircut." Alternatively, you can visit the Jersey Shore.

2. Having Frosted Tips
Having frosted tips is essentially the same thing as wearing one of those sandwich signs that look like an easel with the phrase "Yup, I'm a d-bag! Have a great day!" written on both sides of it. What the hell are these guys thinking? Do they think it looks natural? Not to sound racist, but someone having black hair and frosted tips is about as natural as a black person having blond hair (which reminds me, what ever happened to Sisqo?).

3. Having More Than 2 Buttons Open
Unless you are a European millionaire on your yacht or dancing on the windowsill at Palladium, there is no reason for a guy to have more than two buttons of his button-down shirt open, under any circumstances. Showing off copious amounts of sweaty chest hair (or lack there of) is unsightly, and to subject innocent bystanders and passersby to such a sight is a douche move.

4. Saying Brah When You Mean Bro
Contrary to popular belief, using the words "bro," and "dude," do not make one douchey, just look at Jack Johnson (he's the man). However, pronouncing the word "bro" as "brah" (think Hansel in Zoolander), does kind of make someone a douche. How hard is it to pronounce it correctly?

5. Wearing Wife Beaters
I don't mean wearing Ike Turner. And if someone did actually wear Ike Turner, that wouldn't be douchey, it would be an awesome feat of strength and ingenuity. I mean the undershirt. Did you read that fellas? I said undershirt. As in, it goes under your clothing. Wearing a wife beater as a shirt in public is broadcasting to the world that not only are you a douche, but that one day soon you are going to wind up on an episode of Cops.

6. Wearing Sunglasses Inside
I can always tell a douche at a glance with this one. Even old people who have to wear sunglasses for health reasons know enough to take them off inside. And they are old and senile. Fluorescent lighting is not harmful to your cataracts. There's no UV rays. Take the shades off, "brah."

7. Popping Your Collar
Popping the collar on a polo shirt or button-down was cool 5 years ago. For about a day. Then everyone realized they looked like idiots and promptly put those suckers back down. Unless your name is Maverick or Iceman (R.I.P. Goose, you will be missed) and you are popping the collar on your bomber jacket, there's really no justifiable reason to have your collar standing up.

8. Grunting Loudly At the Gym
This guy is such a douche. I hate this guy. Especially because he usually isn't even lifting that much weight. Every single time I hear someone grunt at an absurd volume, I look over to see some guy with a blooming onion and sunglasses on benching 100lbs. He doesn't need to grunt that loud, he just wants everyone to look at him. Knock it off, Sven Carlson, its douchey.

9. Blasting Music With Your Windows Open
Unless you are engaging in one of my favorite pastimes, Techno-bussing, there is no reason to blast the music in your car with the windows open. No one wants to hear what you are listening to. You aren't getting hired as a DJ by some pedestrin after they heard how loud you can blast Montel Jordan's "This is How We Do It," on your way to class. Turn it the hell down.

(Note: Techno-bussing involves driving around campus with an unknowing friend in the passenger seat on campus tour days. When a tour group comes to a halt near the car, you lock all the windows in the open position and crank techno as loud as your volume will go and start dancing. Your friend inevitably freaks out and gets embarrassed as people stare, while you, not caring and having no shame, break dance and do the running man in the driver's seat).

10. Wearing A Visor
Sorry, Shap. Unless you are playing beach volleyball, of which I am avid proponent by the way, there is no reason to be wearing a visor. There is even less reason to be wearing a visor tilted at a 45 degree angle and slightly to the side. And there is definitely no good reason for you to be wearing a visor, tilted at a 45 degree angle and slightly to the side, with two gallons of hair gel holding your hair perfectly straight into the air out the top of your visor. Don't even get me started on the kids who visors upside down. If you see someone doing that, just punch them in the face. Don't talk to them. Just punch them in the face.

So there you go. Hopefully this checklist will clear up some of the rampant confusion against my brethren and I in the Greek community. We may like to do fratty things like drink Natty Light and have Kegs and Eggs at 9am on a Sunday, but that certainly doesn't make us inherent douches (unless of course, we're wearing a visor at Kegs and Eggs).

-Adam